For The Blizzard In You

The great blizzard of 2010 has arrived and I am officially snowed in. I could pop the Bronco into 4x4 and knife my way to the pub tonight… and I still may, but nonetheless I am snowed in now. What does that mean for you? Calm down, spaz, it’s better than you think.

Here is your gift, America: a raw post! All I want in return is a picture of your tits.

Today I won’t even bother to make this rant pretty. You will get my free streaming thoughts as if we were on the phone and your baby kept crying in the background making it hard for me to hear which ultimately pisses me off. Or as if we were Skyping and I forgot my webcam was on allowing you to witness how often I unknowingly dig in my nose and massage my genitals. Think of this as long form tweeting.


Football is more important than most things

In the midst of my current singlehood I would like to take this opportunity to remind folks that football is more important than most things that happen in the winter. If it is not dead, on fire, under the ice or at gunpoint, it can wait until the game is over.


Winter driving is for mildly smart people

Find X.

(snow + road) - temp = hazardous = X – (money + pride + pain + potential death)

Answer: X = your dumb ass. Be patient, drive safely. Don’t be the asshole in the snow bank or ditch. It may take longer to get there but at least you’ll get there, numbnuts.

As for black ice, well, I’ve had my terrible accident this lifetime… which means now I can laugh at yours:



Christmas is gay

The War On Christmas… shit. Look, I’m going to make some hot chocolate and let BBC4's Marcus Brigstocke handle it.



You spend hundreds of years infusing your belief system deep into our government, yet when a few non-Christians mention they’d rather not be praising Christ with every visit to the grocery store, the moral majority decide they are being attacked by the “politically correct” in a “war on Christmas”. Of all the volatile hot buttons (e.g. gays, abortion) that supposedly align Christians with mass politics, they outwardly state the over-Christmas-ifcation of ‘Merica is in direct opposition to political correctness. So it is incorrect?

I’m too exhausted to riff on store-bought Christian traditions, the Jesus myth and how the GOP and Fox will sacrifice days and millions of dollars this month to protect the sanctity of a holiday they lost control of a long time ago. They are points reestablished each year in defense of the Annual Fox News War On Atheists.

I am a tried and true Humanist (RE: Atheist) and therefore my arguments in most minds are considered malicious, so I’ll leave it at this: I like the holiday season for our ability as Americans to spend extra time with our families, embrace charitable acts and treat one another more kindly than we apparently choose to eleven months out of the year. Your ability to feel persecuted by harmless signs, quiet non-Christians and “Holiday Season” celebrations probably means you’re not focusing on what is important, such as family, charity and kindness. Be a better Christian and you’ll never notice the difference between us.

And why did I state that Christmas is gay? If I’d said it was retarded you’d be offended.

_______________________________

I was out of hot chocolate so I made cold beer. Six of them, to be exact, and am now officially more plowed than my driveway. Enjoy your particular holiday with your designated family in the nonspecific way you choose to celebrate it.