Only Valentines Can Prevent Forest Fires

I don’t subscribe to the Valentine’s Day pestilence. The gifts, the flowers, the jewelry. It really is a bit much considering that it’s focused to one day of the year. For people in mundane or stagnant relationships, it’s pretty much the only twenty-four hours dedicated to supporting the relationship romantically; a chance to remember what it was like before we got used to each other. Before making each other happy was placed on the back burner of daily chores.

I understand the thrill of the holiday, though. Especially when I was in a relationship, February 14th gave way for us to let our gooey, lovey-dovey slime ooze all over one another. I’d plan something special and she could tell her friends about the next day. The better the gift meant the better I was compared to her friend’s lovers. Is it no wonder Valentine’s Day and the Westminster Dog Show are within days of each other?

Perhaps I’ll always be somewhat unimpressed with the Valentine’s Day spectacle, even as man who has loved and lost more times than he can count.

I have little need for a specific day to remind me to treat those I hold special in my life with kindness. It’s the same shit with Christmas; the movies about a Scrooge-esque character treating an impoverished person badly, and the woman saying, “Be nice, it’s Christmas”. Have we become so complacent about our poor treatment of each other that the expectation for good behavior has been relegated to holidays? It’s Christmas? How about, “Be nice, It’s Tuesday”?

Same goes for today. Don’t just gift or blow your special somebody because today is Valentines day. Actually, yes, do it today. But then don’t wait another 365 days to do it again. Do it monthly or biweekly, however often you feel your partner deserves. Doing something special for another is an expression of our love, kindness and gratitude. If it only occurs to you to do it once a year, perhaps your loved one deserves somebody who will care, and express it, more often.

On that note, have a smashing Valentine’s Day. Spend some money on cavities, blood diamonds and slaughtered rain forests. And if you think of it, do it all again next month.

Moving... on a Sunday afternoon...

When I remember back to the many people I have helped move in my lifetime, including multiple times for each individual, I realize that it has stayed with me as a joyful, albeit physically draining, time spent with friends and family. Now, when I look back on the last three days of my life, which involved moving one mother, one daughter, and more shit than I have ever owned in my life, not only will it not be remembered fondly but it has marred my ability to walk into a moving situation carefree and excited. From now on I’m arriving with a rider list a la The Rolling Stones.

As much as I’d like to say that there are rules and requirements when non-professionals move your household, they are really just considerations you make from the kindness of your heart. The average person realizes that a.) they are inconveniencing someone on their day off, b.) asking them to do physical labor for free, and c.) are subject to setbacks due to helper’s needs and personal life.

What happened this weekend (Sun.-Tues.) was both tragic and unforgivable. I’ll spare you the chronological path of landmines that has led to my tortured body and bruised feelings. Instead I am creating a small handbook on how to prepare to move without professional help. The Post Office should include this shit in the address change packet with all the coupons; a small, orange glossy sheet titled, “Don’t Fuck Your Friends Over: How to move cheaply and not burn bridges”.

Tip 1: Analyze the pending effort judiciously
How much stuff do you have? Although two bedrooms, a living room, a kitchen and basement are average for most families, the amount of crap inhabiting them varies greatly.
How many people can do this safely and quickly? While factoring in the 250lb marble table, also include the other fifteen awkwardly-shaped items that weigh more than 175lbs.
What size truck will you need? How big is your new house? Do you really think it’s safe for people walk down a snowy, 45° hill carrying your fragile belongings? Etc.

Tip 2: Prepare the house to be moved
This one seems simple… in fact, all of these tips will seem simple, but that doesn’t make them automatic.
Pack your shit up before people arrive. Have everything in boxes, crates, totes, garbage bags, animal pelts, whatever. Take your wall hangings down. Secure doors and drawers with tape. The only items that should be free floating in the house are things you will take over by yourself – and make sure this stuff is out of the way of the movers.

Tip 3: Ask EVERYONE you know
Ever heard the phrase “Two hands are better than one”? Well, it sounds a lot sweeter than the tearing and twisting of the lower back as it succumbs to the weight of a coffee table that had no one on the other side. You never know who is available and what friends they may have that can help too. Make the call(s).

Tip 4: Be conscientious of your movers needs
Factored into the cost of the move should be food and beverage for your helping friends. Granted, the only people that actually work for food are immigrants, hookers and circus animals. But the idea isn’t just gratitude; it’s safety as well. It can be a simple as ordering a couple pizzas and sodas - it could be as extravagant as taking them all out to dinner that evening. But understand that, as they are sacrificing their bodies for your prized shoe collection, having water and snacks available is an absolute must.

Tip 5: Work as hard, if not harder, than your friends
This is your junk. It wasn’t going to move itself before they arrived. In fact, you would have had to carry all of it out the truck if you didn’t have any friends. Step up and be proactive about your future. Honor your friend’s effort by placing yourself in the same trenches they have so generously climbed into for you.

Tip 6: Spread thankfulness liberally
There is no worse feeling than being enslaved for three days to an ill-prepared, inconsiderate, unappreciative person. No matter how self-absorbed and entitled you feel, humble yourself and look into each person’s eyes, thanking them profusely for their time, effort and friendship. Anything less will bring the relationship to a conclusion.


When you ask someone, “Hey, can you help me move”, make sure that is really what you’re asking for. If you truly mean, “Hey, can you be responsible for organizing people to help me drag my half boxed-up shit to a place who’s only access is both ridiculous and deadly, all while I fuck around on the phone and slowly pack the rest of my things”, then you should say that instead.

Follow these simple tips and your move will go smoothly and be fun as well. Good luck!