Forget Columbian Gold, I Want Olympian Gold
Maybe I just never found marijuana to be that evil of a drug in any situation. It has not rendered any of my friends or family homeless, jobless, unproductive or lazier than they would be if drinking beer or eating Cheetos. In fact, hemp has quantifiable results in bettering health, replacing synthetic products and could even help solve our global fuel crisis. Nationwide decriminalization of marijuana has already begun, with Massachusetts being the newest state to lower possession penalties to a hand slap.
This is not an advertisement for the herb nor is it a wink to proud abusers. I delve this issue because Michael Phelps, the world’s greatest olympian and swimming master, has lost sponsorships and livelihood because pictures of him taking a bong rip have surfaced.
Steroid-abusing athletes. Crack-addled mayors. Wife-abusing entertainers. An American legend inhales the smoke of a natural, performance-dulling herb recreationally and we shame him? Well, shame on YOU!
Right now you’re thinking, “But wait, Atticus, it’s illegal!”
No shit. But did they ever really explain to us why? It was prohibited soon after Prohibition, which just adds to the conspiracy. Reefer Madness was obviously bullshit since most people that flip out have more than reefer in their pipes. So, where are the real statistics? Somewhere, I’m just too lazy from the scotch to look. But this fact is well known: Alcohol has killed more people and ruined more lives than any other legally controlled substance. If marijuana has had less of a damaging affect on our communities by running rampant behind closed doors, than why isn’t it a controlled substance we can purchase legally and use in the privacy of our own homes?
I’ll tell you why - because it can’t be controlled. If you could rustle up a tobacco patch in your basement and successfully harvest your pack-a-day needs, tobacco would be illegal too. Granted we can make whiskey in our bathtubs, Red Label is better and we’d all suffer from each other’s poor hygiene.
I could go on for hours about why I believe Mary Jane is still illegal, but instead I’ll give you my thoughts about the government’s reasoning for slowly decriminalizing marijuana versus outright legalization.
872,720 Americans were jailed for marijuana in 2007. Imagine how many people were jailed for it the five decades previous to last year. Now imagine you understand Latin and consider Ex Post Facto law, namely the amnesty law, that, were marijuana made completely legal, would ultimately release those wolves back into the wild. You see, cops don’t just book regular folks on weed charges, they also use it as leverage to collar some of the more heinous individuals that may not have better charges currently sticking to them. Eat this poo poo platter: Al Capone was only successfully prosecuted for Tax Fraud; therefore, if tax fraud were decriminalized during his sentence, he’d been back on the street shooting people instead of rotting in jail. This reason alone is why it must be done slowly, thoughtfully and not buckle under political pressure. We screwed ourselves by making it illegal, now we need a precise exit strategy.
Let me quickly touch on the gateway drug and addiction accusations, as they are always publically defended from a non-quantified standpoint. For example, saying 80% of people that smoke marijuana move on to harder drugs is like saying 80% of people who have drowned tried swimming. These same drug abusers probably also moved on from yelling at people to punching them. Not because of the drugs, of course, but because they have a punchy personality. They also have an addictive personality. Not in the “My dad did it, so I will” way, or in the “I’m genetically predispositioned to screw up” way, either.
Drugs are mood-enhancing, not mood-altering. If you like fighting, getting drunk will make you more likely to act on that hardwired urge. You see, it’s not the sauce telling you you’re ten foot tall and bulletproof, it’s the fantasy you remembered in your purple haze that makes you believe this nonsense. Fluid can’t put stupid thoughts in your head because I doesn’t have opposable thumbs.
Most people use drugs to escape; that’s what is so wonderful about those cloudy highs and blurry buzzes - you have successfully escaped reality. Things look better, feel better and seem better than they are, and you would have to believe life can really be improved upon in order to pursue constant escape. But, again, you would be addicted to the relief from reality, not the marijuana itself. You’d have a better chance arguing Diet Coke an addictive substance than weed. They are all just gateways to a day better than the one you’re living in.
If you feel that your life sucks, getting high will take the pain from the sting, but weed doesn’t kill people. Actually, people on weed rarely ever kill people either. Marijuana is not the source of evil or bad deeds, nor is it the purveyor of dysfunction. It is an escape hatch; the closet you run and hide in, finding Narnia just behind the wardrobe and falling in love with. Escapism is not just pot. It’s your beer, your television, your books and your food. It is the thing that makes you happy when life doesn’t. It is the action that protects you from fear, and we all live a life of fear... why not take the edge off?
Why does a stud like Phelps need it? Maybe he just wanted to get high. I’m drunk writing this. Or maybe being an international icon is not as easy as we think. Do you think there is any excessive pressure in being him?
