The Weekly Smatter, 10/26

3 Republican arguments that piss me off:

1. Democrats are big spenders.

Because the last Democratic president ended his presidency with a $559 billion surplus which has been drained into the red by our current Republican president? Right, got it. I’m not so much worried about how little McCain/Palin would spend but more about which of his friend’s pockets he’d fill with it. And this pipeline situation isn’t helping.

2. Obama is a closet socialist.

It’s amazing how Republicans have a knack for making their followers feel like wealthy, fanatically hard-working individuals, whether or not they do anything more difficult that your average "Joe". I liken this derangement to the people who work at Cinnabon and have a Coach bag and Dolce sunglasses.

“You ain’t helping no bums with my tax money” they yell from their massive SUV en route to their $500K home. It’s okay that they make a collective $80k a year and the mortgage and fuel cost more that caring for their 2.3 kids. You idiots are losing your house because you bought one well out of your financial range. Why? Because anything smaller would have made you less Republican. And not having kids would’ve been less Catholic. You are what’s wrong with the economy. Considering we have no middle class left, are all these McCain people really standing around defending businesses that make over $250k from getting a little more tax responsibility? If so, notice how a quarter of the crowd’s eyes dart around looking to make sure nobody notices that they aren’t business owners nor are they rich.

Linda Sanchez, a Web developer, said only Mr. McCain appealed to her ethic of personal responsibility. "Anybody who believes they can work hard and better themselves and make life better for their children and their family should like this message," she said. "People who just want to sit back and get a handout, they're going to go with" Mr. Obama.

The claim: Obama would collude with congressional Democrats to hike taxes and spending. I can see how that would swoop every fear-induced McCain supporter into screams of “Down with Socialism”. Ms. Sanchez later went on to talk about how she exploited her friends in time of illness. She doesn’t specify whether she utilized unemployment services from her state, so I will just assume so and consider her a friend-abusing, government-money wasting whore.

3. Democratic, single-party rule in the nation's capital is dangerous.

Yeah, it’s dangerous for Republican relevance. Democratic dominance beginning in 1992 yielded N.A.F.T.A., the Family and Medical Leave Act, some gun-control legislation, and "don't ask, don't tell" among many others. What has been accomplished since 2000? 4,187 dead American soldiers, 30,723 wounded, 1,273,378 dead Iraqis, a greater intolerance of gays, minorities and women, and a $454.8 billion deficit.


Are people really watching this High School Musical crap? Other than rivaling Stars Wars for “Campiest Trilogy” and featuring over-developed teenagers who they can exploit for hormone-based sales, I don’t quite see why this franchise is so successful.


The International Monetary Fund is standing by its managing director, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, despite his sexual affair with a subordinate. Strauss-Kahn described the affair as a “serious error of judgment”. Damn, she must have been fugly to require such harsh words for separation. That’s meaner than a donkey punch and a strawberry shortcake in the same night. His wife said that the affair had been a “one-night stand,” and that the couple had “turned the page.” Which conjures images of Bob Seger donkey punching Enrique Iglesias. Hot.


The OECD released a study Tuesday proving the gap between rich and poor is widening in North America and Europe. Lindsay Lohan’s thighs are relived to have spotlight off of them.


The Economists’ Policy Group for Women’s Issues (don’t ask, they just exist) released letter-grade ratings for the presidential candidates on ten issues “vital to women”. This list did not include their takes on Nivea products nor last week’s episode of The Hills.

We’re tired of hearing about the Joes (as in Six Pack and Plumber) and want more attention to the Joannes — the women in our economy who typically earn less money and shoulder more family responsibilities than men

- blurted committee member Amherst Nancy Folbre while etching ‘I (heart) Obama’ on the back of her notebook with a Sharpie.

Is the outcome of this report (Sen. Obama a ‘B’ and Sen. McCain a ‘D’) really a surprise? As I so sneakily responded in the comments, a Republican’s job is be in charge of all women’s bodies, minds or choices. The Grand Ol’ Party would love nothing more than barefoot, pregnant kitchen-dwellers that dare not naysay the man of the house or even imagine voting. Why would a MAVERICK like McCain even bother changing something as silly as women’s rights? Palin couldn’t be reached for comment, as she was in back sitting silently with ankles covered.

Debata-balls IV: The Last Temptation (of the Undecided)

Live Blogging of the Presidential Debates continues...

If McCain trades anymore thoughts and prayers for votes, he may break a pelvis.

Fuck Joe. Is this Joe “The Plumber or “Six-pack”? Are they one and the same?

Did I hear “Class Warfare”? Well played, McCain... well played.

Obama has a cool head when listening, but I think he should be leaning back and acting pimp. Snoop Dogg offers classes.

McCain just made a smart-ass remark and then laughed at it. That’s maverick!!!

My company is moving to Ireland!!! Fuck!!!!

Instead of green and red lights to prompt the candidates, Bob should start leaning toward the other candidate while still looking at the one talking, producing an expression of slight confusion and disinterest, ultimately making a “psh”sound .

A spending freeze proposal and a Hillary name drop? McCain’s swinging for a first-round knockout.

Are earmarks those things they put on wild animals to watch migration?

If you wanted to help America, you should’ve done it four years ago.

John is getting whiny, needs a hug. A big, cuddly KKK hug.

I care about feelings. Damn you, Obama.

Kurt Warner defeated Healthcare in Dallas.

I reiterate. Fuck Joe “Plumb-packs”.

John has been a crybaby all night.

Here it is!!! Acorn, terrorist, and mud-slinging. Oh my!!!

Nice, John. Who fucking cares about us anyways. I’d rather hear about Obama’s supposed terrorism instead of ANY thoughts on how you’ll make America all maverick-y like you.

Joe Biden is a servant who serves.

McCain is a Free Trader. He earned two patches for his sash this weekend by whittling and building a tent.

Automakers getting hammered? Nah. Not until lunch. They have principles.

McCain is not a funny person. At all.

Joe, Sen. Government will eat your children and rape your business from the back door.

Pro-Abortion. Nice name drop, John.

I am shocked they are talking about abortion so blatantly.

Pro-abortion movement. Nice name drop, John. Can’t wait for shot-outs to the Gay Agenda and the Tooth Fairy.

OBAMA HATES VIDEO GAMES. AND BABIES.

This split-screen makes it look like they are arguing Siamese twins that get into wacky Capital Hill adventures with zany lobbyist and a sultry governor.

I support vouchers for free booze. Charter booze.

He just snorted. McCain snorted. Fuck me, Hofstra.

I’m out. I’m gonna go vote now so that I can be a big, strong plumber.

Debata-balls III: Sen. Obama Emasculates The Microphone

Live Blogging of the Presidential Debates continues...

I don’t like this Town Hall format. McCain looks like he’s gonna punch someone in the front row right in their stupid, liberal piehole! Obama is thrown off by everyone eyeing his “stimulus package”. I realize it’s the Tuesday squad, but it’s awkward that no one has tossed at least a couple dollar bills on the stage.

Where are all of these letters the Senators have written? Does no one on Capital Hill open their mail? It took me a while to get a card snail-mailed from the East to the Midwest, but c’mon people. Send one of those creepy, mouth-breathing bike couriers next time.

GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... the McCain “S” whistles are becoming truly unbearable. It sounds like his uvula is making gay passes at Tom Brokaw.

America, do yourself a favor before quoting anything said tonight: FACT CHECK.

Okay, okay. McCain has a clear record. A “clear”record. That’s spin - like a record, baby! Of course it’s clear, but is it actually backing up his statements? Things that make you go hmmm...

The next debate should feature David Bowie as moderator/Exulted Ruler, giving a thumbs up or down that dictates whether or not the candidate is dipped into a vat of Astroglide that’s being churned by Shakira’s hips.

McCain has done nothing but throw mud and act like a tired, old fart. “Don’t worry. I can do it! I can do it just like I always have. I’m fine, I have a plan. Just shut up and go play outside while I nap.”

The “straight talk express lost a wheel”. Ha! It’d be like electing Martin Lawrence!

I’ve heard the word ‘record’ a lot. Do they mean the two broken records that are these guy’s twirling rhetorics?

Peace-making, peace-keeping. Same thing. Oh, he said “Piece Making”? Yeah, baby! McCain’s Cialis is kickin’ in, and just when he needed it like the commercial says!

McCain, Teddy Roosevelt called. He said, “Shut the fuck up”. The hung up and rolled over.

Damn. Obama face’d him on the Bomb vs. Speak softly thing. The audience smells burn. Brokaw checks his boxers.

Brokaw has no idea how to handle these maverick, celebrity-types. He should attend the Ed Hochuli School of Game Control.

Hey, New Hampshire lady. You what I don’t know? Why anybody in the country fully supports a McCain/Palin ticket, because it scares the shit dribbles out of me. Readers, tell me what you don’t know, preferably in comment form, ‘cause I’m out like Brokaw’s journalistic integrity.

Debata-balls II: The Screaming Pelican

Live Blogging of the Presidential Debates continues...

My blog would be best understood if you turned to any normal father buying his children McDonald's and ask them how to write about stupid, dancing answers to extremely important questions.

M.I.L.F.: Marginally Informed on Legislative Fundamentals

Palin is playing the ‘McCain cheerleader’ role just right. But FUCK, stop with the cutesy names for the sloths shoveling down a microwave dinner and watching King of Queens instead of the debate. “Joe Sixpack” will still come home October 2nd, 2012, with a paycheck that’s already spent and smack his “Hockey Mom” up and down “Main Street” whether you are elected or not. Darn right?

Yes, Sarah. Don’t answer the questions the way Joe and the moderator want. Just talk straight to the American People...’s “politically involved” hand. We are WORRIED about our financial future, you twit. At least try to participate in the bailout conversation Sen. Biden is already owning you on.

My four-year-old niece knows more about McCain’s Healthcare plan than this person. And she hates it more than peas. Is it me or is Gov. Palin skimping on numbers, specific fact and statistics? They can be matches when in the hands of a child.

I really want to rip on Sen. Biden, but this is just lopsided and cruel. She’s making him sound like a damned genius. But, to keep it in perspective, he is the Governor of Delaware. Delaware has the lowest highest elevation of all the states, and he hasn’t changed this like he promised in ‘06.

Where exactly has Gov. Palin heard the chant “Drill, baby! Drill!”? Doesn’t matter. She used it in the same paragraph as the word “raping”. She’s growing on me...

PALIN HATES GAYS. She just lost the “Hoping for a Palin/Rice sex tape ticket” lesbian vote.

BIDEN HATES GAYS. There. I ripped on him.

She said, “No withdrawal”. She’s no longer the only thing growing on me.

I was watching The Hole on Fox before the debates started. Apparently it was the only one Gov. Palin wasn’t crawling out of tonight.

Did Biden say “Dead Wrong” or “Dead Wong” about McCain? I can’t imagine either applying.

(Due to the lack of a “straight-talking” answer) PALIN SUPPORTS DARFURIAN GENOCIDE.

Mark Cuban brought litigation against Team McCain regarding the overuse of “Mavericks” in their campaign but soon rescinded when he realized his starter’s average age is equal to McCain’s.

Her “connection” as a mother, business owner, kid chauffeur, and fuel company jockey is enough experience to be VP? I can see it. Wait, this isn’t the Juneau Area PTA council vote? Uh oh.

McCain and Palin will fight for America. But not Michigan anymore. Or at least they won’t pay for it there. Come to think of it, McCain hasn’t paid for it since the war.

McCain: “Smell that? You smell that? “
Rove: “What?”
McCain: “Vagg, son. Nothing in the world smells like that. I love the smell of Vietnamese hookers in the morning.”

The real threat to America are these post-debate (NBC) interviewees making ridiculous claims like “Palin was a star” that “killed” by talking “directly to the people”. If Obama is a “rockstar celebrity” like Paris Hilton, and that was a bad thing two months ago, what does that make Palin? My guess is Heather Locklear, only it’ll be America she’s driving erratically while under the influence of power. What these douches fail to point out is that she answered five of the forty questions completely. That’s hot.

This blog is over. Doggonit. Say it ain’t so, Joe.