Easter Reinvented
When I think of Easter, I think of the millions of people who believe that a guy who was dried out on a stick some time ago descended up to the clouds, broken body and all. This idea makes them hungry for a dynamite feast of slain swine and honey pastries. Their kids are kept brow beaten by searching for decorated eggs in a vain attempt to appease the gigantic bunny in the mall.
Frankly, I’m tired of thinking about these things. Passover, Eostre for equinox, Lent. So much is going on during this time, the last thing we need confusing the Christian flock is a colorful egg paint product display and a symbolic bunny sent by God to guard all eggs by any means necessary. Who died and made bunnies and eggs the symbols of new life and Spring anyway? Besides Jesus?
In an effort to make Easter less boring, here are three ways we can straighten the misguided path Easter has taken since its inception during the Cretaceous period when aliens began collecting Maiasaura eggs for experimentation and brunch.
1. We need a sweet Easter movie.
Basically, It's The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown is a homoerotic grab-fest with racist undertones and The Passion of Christ is, well, made by Mel Gibson. Both are equally as entertaining as when I clip my toe nails. We need a classic gem that has Jason Statham hanging from a fiery truck flying 100mph down a crowded city street, driven by a PCP-fueled Easter Bunny. It should feature Megan Fox nakedly seducing a naked Scarlett Johansson under a butterscotch waterfall by cracking eggs on her abs and pouring the runny goodness down her chest. Most importantly, it should end with a three-way battle between a resurrected, bloody Jesus, a gigantic Peep and Al Pacino that levels Houston and brings joy to the children in the form an epic Lindsey Buckingham solo.
2. Replace the Bunny with a Chupacabra.
Easter Bunny: skittish, loud-chewing fur pile that shits Cocoa Puffs.
El Chupacabra: a sexy mix of hairless dog, rat, and kangaroo soaked in mythos, mystery, and goat murder.
‘Nuff said.
3. Every tenth egg should be deadly.
Jutting spikes, controlled explosions, LSD coating. Anything to spice up the egg hunt while simultaneously thinning the herd. Just imagine dying to celebrate Jesus dying for our sins. What better way to show your love of God and family than a sacrifice to ensure fertility and healthy crop yields. The kids will love it!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I implore you. Take it upon yourselves to liven up Easter by re-embracing those basic Jewish and Pagan traditions, eschewing most of the stupid Christian twists, and really personalizing this holiday for you and your family. My house is going with a steak and crab dinner instead of the usual lamb or ham meal. It’s no Seder but it’ll be damned delicious. What will you do to not be a boring Easter loser?
Remember, the Bunny is watching. 
By. Any. Means. Necessary.
