Debata-balls

Ladies and gentlemen, the debates are jack-off!

Basically, we have the same recipe cooking for this race that we had the last two times. Who will you vote for? The bleeding-heart smarty-pants or the no-nonsense, smoke and mirrors “everyman”?

In the Democrat corner: A nerdy guy spouting about what exactly is wrong and how he’s gonna clean it up. He’s got a plan, he’s got a record that he’s willing to list off in detail and he smells like delicious coconut butter.

In the Republican corner: Old man Friendly dropping names, giggling like WE do (read: like Bush Jr., little kids, hyenas), telling us stories about old war generals and throwing out broad facts that essentially slander his opponent through vagueness.

My bright spot? Jim Lehrer. He’s harder hitting than Matt Lauer jacked on crystal meth with Meredith Viera in the trunk and Tom Cruise in the passenger seat.

I looked into Putin’s eyes and saw three letters: O-P-P. And he said, “Yeah, you know me.”

I’m not a run-off-to-Canada kind of hater, but if I have to suffer four years of McCains “S” whistles stabbing my ear canals, I will be off this fucking continent in a heartbeat. It sounds like he’s firing tiny, gay flying saucers off his tongue.

I’m psyched about the VP debates. It’s like watching a junior varsity game; the plays are weaker, the crowd is smaller, the implications are nil, but you can still get to third base with freshmen under the bleachers.

I smattered again...

Racial misgivings may prevent some Democrats from voting for Uber-Negro candidate Barack Obama, according to a dumb fucking poll. More than a third of white Democrats and independents agreed with at least one negative adjective about blacks, including the sexy descriptors “lazy”, “violent” and “irresponsible”. In a related story, a golden retriever took over to nurture three tiger cubs that were abandoned by their mother at Safari Zoological Park in Caney, Kansas, last July. An update on the Today Show proved all was well with the cat/dog family. Uppity whites are denouncing the interspecies family, complaining that canines are “lazy”, “violent” and “irresponsible”, and are currently lobbying the government to come down harder on deadbeat tiger moms.

Speaking of tigers, do kids still read Tiger Beat? Can kids still read?

News dropped that the world's largest atom smasher has been damaged worse than previously thought and will be out of commission for at least two months. Considering the sorry state of small screen comedy these days, I can already see this moment in the made-for-TV movie: As the scientists open the large, steel hatch, enter a lanky, red-headed guy sporting inch-thick glasses and a half lisp/ half retarded speech impediment, holding a wrench and a magnet.

Nathaniel “Nate Dogg” Hale suffered his second stroke in less than a year. Apparently at one point he was on life support with a feeding tube. Not that you knew about the first stroke, but it became doubly noteworthy due to this quote. "He has suffered another stroke from his bad eating habits and unhealthy lifestyle," said Nate's rapping cousin, Donald "Lil' Half Dead" Smith. This would be why he wasn’t pictured embracing his wife on the cover of Vegan Monthly, above the quote “Regulate... Your Life”. No word on whether the cousins will be trading nicknames.

In a different, dumb fucking poll Americans would rather watch football with Obama than McCain, probably because McCain would nap through most of the game. I just want a president to run our government correctly for the first time in almost a decade. I don’t give a shit whether he mashes Doritos down his hole and pounds farts into his lazy boy between 1pm Saturday and 11pm Sunday night. I’ll gladly replenish the cans in his beer helmet if he can just get this country on track. As a side note, uppity whites plan to lobby the government to start coming down harder on stupid polls.

A second smattering...

As I sit in my apartment, waiting for Hurricane Hanna remnants to shower me with local debris and tip my building over, I can’t stop thinking about the horrible green screen behind Sen. John McCain showing Walter Reed Middle School instead of Walter Reed Army Medical Center. What moronic, GOP-wanking shit stain couldn’t quite negotiate the turns of his stupidity in time for his brilliant leader’s biggest moment? Probably the same Log Cabin Republican who designed the phallus-shaped stage.


Is it me or does it seem odd that Nascar has an official cracker? Apparently Ritz has the honor. I figured it was Dale Earnhardt Jr.


Remember when “tell-all” books shared secrets we’ve been dying to know? Anything revealed at this point about Bush’s administration requires more of a “tell-us-what-we-don’t-know” -type of tome. Madonna’s brother couldn’t have sold more tickets for her if he made a commercial instead. As for what has been in Barbara Walters’ vagina? One word: yuck. No offense to Barbara, but once you reach the legal age of Werther’s Originals distribution, folks will no longer find your fond memories of sexual exploits intriguing. Instead they will spend the rest of the day searching for their lost libidos and appetites.


I think love is exciting and magical. I also think green-tinted bowel movements after a Boo Berry and Purplesaurus Rex bender are exciting and magical. I have experienced both this year.


If girls develop faster than boys, why are we still subjected to poor adult female role models? Perhaps the grading curve ends in 7th grade. Either that or men own the cameras snapping their exploits. I have my personal feelings about how society has turned the desirable and worthy, power-wielding female species into attention seeking, insecure, foul mouthed bags of need, but that is for another blog.
My point is no matter how hard I partied I was never as ridiculous a spectacle as the tabloid queens of the televised world. Now, I’m not going to pretend for a minute I know what "life in a fish bowl" is like, but that is what makes it all the more disgusting. Take your reality-blurring vapidness away from the flashbulbs. Last thing I want is my niece growing up thinking these twats are even remotely noteworthy.
And has anyone noticed that no man in Hollywood ever gets smashed, technicolor yawns on a dumpster outside of Hyde, then falls ass-over-head into the backseat of an Excursion exposing his poorly hidden genitalia? I guess Americans won’t pay enough to see it.