Phallacies Of The Gay Tendency
With all the gays marching on Washington and the inherent shit storm of media dildos barfing up stupid on their polarizing TV shows, it was only a matter of time before I lost enjoyment in my bowl of Blueberry Morning due to something said that confused and incensed me simultaneously.
Seriously, what the fuck are “gay tendencies”?
Tendencies are defined as “an inclination, bent, or predisposition to something” by that smut-filled tabloid Dictionary.com. All of those descriptions are pert for the pun but all invariably contradict gayness in terms.
This seems more of a witch hunt word than a specified collection of behaviors depicting homosexuality. It is so broad in reach that it paints almost any act not saturated in machismo as gay. Boys are taught from a young age that playing with dolls is wrong; they are for girls only, along with the EASY-BAKE oven and the Skip It cankle building set. In retrospect, we all realize this mentality was meant to suppress the embarrassment of parents who may have a gay child. Little did they know that he would grow to be more successful that the football captain, head cheerleader and stoners combined.
Since when did gayness include tendencies beyond same-sex sodomy? Well, I did what any other American does when they are stumped by life’s little puzzles: I took to the internet.
Lo and behold, there were many others tickled by the gay-tendency giggle stick. Unfortunately, most were women anonymously asking strangers if their boyfriend/husband was gay on account of previous experimentation, metro-sexual style or cross-dressing fetishes. The resounding answer of all twelve-year olds trolling Yahoo Answers: He’s gayer than a sitcom.
Do you know what a gay tendency is? When I hear the phrase I think of my overwhelming need to mount any person, statue or ass-shaped object for the sole purpose of laughs and/or pictures. It brings to mind my rap sheet of pointing out every phallic symbol I see. But these are not gay tendencies. These are douche tendencies for when I’m experiencing a not-so-bright feeling.
I holed up in my apartment for a weekend and watched six movies. Two of them were romcoms featuring Hollywood’s hottest guys learning to find love or define love with one of Hollywood’s hottest actresses. These viewings could easily be described as gay acts. But I rarely watch these types of films, so it wouldn’t be a tendency per se. Is this event really grounds for questioning one’s sexuality? I also watched zombie and action flicks. Plus, the collective three hours were spent with my hand in my pants, whiskey in my glass and a tacit hope for gratuitous nudity. Can the paradox be thicker?
As far as I’m concerned, labeling anything a gay “tendency” can only perpetuate the stigma that homosexuality is a choice. If a white guy acts black, you don’t say he has black tendencies because black is only black and there are no exceptions to its beholder. A wigger doesn’t cease being white just because he kicks his hat sideways and listens to rap music.
Just as well, gay is gay, and no amount of tanning, chick flick watching, college experimenting or Manilow loving will ever equate to the good old fashioned need for dude-on-dude action.
