Pre-Election Thoughts: Don’t Vote

Don’t Vote. Ignore all of the media outlets, megastars and your friends and family that tell you to vote. Don’t listen to them because they don't even know why they are saying it. It’s all a democratic ploy to bring out the stupid people because they think the trailer parks and ghettos are filled with potential votes for Obama, but they seem to have forgotten about the prairie folk and mountain inbreeders that are going to take the fastest tractor to town to make sure he doesn't win.

Personally, I’m voting Obama for the socialism. And those succulent LL Cool J lips. But for the rest of you assholes, I say “Don’t Vote”. Don’t. Stay home, watch your favorite daytime television shows, masturbate to the Who’s Nailin’ Palin video and do your best to not leave the house. Also, tell everyone you know not to vote. Post a sign in your lawn. Call your family. Withhold holiday cheer. Do whatever it takes to keep stupid people from the polls.

Why do I ask that people not vote? I have my reasons and you will find them below, stacked esthetically and numerated for your pleasure. But why do you say “Vote”? First off, who the fuck are you, the Nationalism Responsibility and Conduct Police? Why do you want people you don’t even know, that may have racially motivated or uneducated opinions, that have not done the footwork you have researching the candidates, that may be using this election as a platform to a modern day civil war, voting this election?

Here is why you should not vote:

1. If you don’t vote, my vote matters more.

It’s simple math. There are 305,561,506 people in America at the time of this post. Obviously they can not all vote, but humor me for one equation and let’s say 90 million vote. If everyone votes, my personal vote accounts for 0.00000111% of the outcome. But if people stop trying to influence others to vote and only 80,000,000 come out, my personal vote accounts for 0.00000124% of the outcome. You see? The less people who vote, the more influential my vote is.

On that same mathematical thought, if you tell one friend to vote and that person votes for a different candidate than you, you have essentially voided out your vote. Good job there, fuck stick.

2. Your opinions are not yours, they were fed to you by people that want to hurt you.

Have you ever said the following regarding Sen. Obama:

He is too inexperienced.
He is a terrorist/socialist/Marxist.
He associates with terrorists and radicals.
We need a black president.
I would never vote for a nigger.
Barack is pro-abortion.
Obama will raise your taxes.
He will save the middle class.

Have you ever said the following regarding Sen. McCain?

He’s too old.
He’s a Maverick.
John is more experienced.
He will be just like Bush.
His health care plan is the best.
McCain will lower taxes and cut spend.
He will save the middle class.

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those statements, do not vote. You have not taken the time to see what each candidate is actually planning on accomplishing as the most powerful person in the world and, therefore, are obviously not prepared to contribute to an election that will change the course of the world.

The commercials, the pundits, the pamphlets, and everything you have heard from people around you who also drink from that same, poisoned teat, was whipped up by some bow tie and suspenders-wearing douchebag who is hired by the campaign to created fake thoughts, spread them on his member with a butter knife and thrust them excitedly into your heads via these different mediums.

You have a couple days left to pull your pants up, crank on that internet and get hip to the facts of their histories and platforms through unbiased sources. If, by Tuesday, you can not make an educated decision based on that information, DON’T VOTE. Instead, cook up some Cheesy Mac and enjoy your local cable provider’s OnDemand service.


3. Voting is a right, not a requirement.

If somebody doesn’t want to vote it is actually just fine and not a personal attack on you, so keep it in your pants and stop jumping on couches like an extra-gay Tom Cruise. That person may have motives, such as boycotting the fiftieth consecutive election where both choices are products of the same special interest-fueled government machine. Think about it; if you wanted to rid the NFL of spoiled, greedy players, you would need to begin drafting players from a pool other than spoiled, greedy NCAA players. The same applies to politics.


Look, my point is simple and there is nothing Spielberg or DiCaprio can say to downplay it: If you are not normally involved in the current and historic goings on of our country, don’t vote this Tuesday. Vote for something you do know about, like the PTA or American Idol. If you have to “tell” someone to vote, they probably don’t actually know what they are voting for. Any politically educated person will be at the polls. Any politically uneducated people should stick to the poles that pay their bills (i.e. barber, utility, stripper) and let those who actually care have a larger say in the future of the United States.