Let me begin by saying, "fuck".

I have grown quiet. In place of my honesty and boorishness I have chosen a path of discretion and inefficacy. I chose to be part of the scene instead of in front of it. I have resided in my head, alone there, enjoying the humor that comes from other’s misfortunes and idiosyncrasies. I have fallen away to exist merely as a watcher.

But I think that should end today. My torrent of emotional waves smash against the breakers I have placed there to keep the peace. I look at them from dry land and can not help but feel that I am losing a part of myself each time the tide relents and leaves me digressing steadily toward normalcy.

I watch the waves of truth hit and fall short of my mouth, the one place they can ebb, leaving only my conscience to take the heat. It is there, in my exhaled tangents, that they are cooled, unabridged and unbarred, malicious and free.

To my words I owe much gratitude. They’ve given me the most precious gifts I could ever wish for in this life. My words have retrieved for me women with a taste so divine it was intoxicating. They have put me on stages across the world for strangers to enjoy. They have given me access to people and places ordinary citizens could never dream of being. But more importantly, they fuel an existence that without them will bring death, for a life without my words will end all that is me and I shall lay silently as inanimate carbon.

I believe it is time to enjoy my words again, to break the silence reserved for condescending smirks and fill it with condescending remarks. It is once again time to sacrifice friendship for reality, because truthfully, how could I possibly enjoy life if it’s not played by my rules?

I’m holding court behind my eyes because it is the only perspective I have. What I see is one channel; my only viewable daily programming. Lucky for me, I’m the programming director.

This will develop progressively, with proper measures taken to ensure job security and other needs, but it is my hope that through this resurgence I can finally begin regaining some semblance of me.