Ron Mexico's Dog Fighting Extravaganza

I’m going to weigh in on the Michael Vick situation, although the last thing that I wish to do is add more commentary to the already over-discussed and over-analyzed case, but I am going to do it more so with vigilance toward every public figure engaged in illegal activity.

Dear Rich People,

What the fuck are you doing? You have they ability to spend the rest of your life doing every possible fun, be it legal, activity in the world. You can afford to have every second of your life after thirty-five filled with non-stop excitement and never work another day again. Why is life so boring, so sad, and so empty that you need to break the law?

Five things that will have your ass hemmed up publicly:

1. Killing dogs
2. Killing people
3. Neglecting your children (permanent nannies are apparently fine)
4. Abusing drugs we are not privy to
5. Being treated differently by the legal system

Rich folk, you know what America wants? Of course you don’t, because your handlers wouldn’t have it. With enough ‘Yes Men’ around you, you’ll never have to feel a real feeling again. Claim innocence in person? Hell no, not without your lawyer’s consent and prepared statement.

America wants apologies. Sincere and heartfelt apologies. Something as blatantly illegal and immoral as racketeering an underground dog fighting business for gambling that includes killing animals and burying them is a pretty fucked up circus to be involved in. But for a star NFL quarterback worth millions of dollars to establish such a business is heinous on so many other levels as well.

If you didn’t do it, stand before us and tell us that. Apologize for even being remotely involved. Tell us you will make sure the guys responsible pay for what they have done. Apologize to the families of the dogs. Something besides silence.

If you did it, go rot with the rest of the degenerates.

You are a world famous athlete blessed with amazing ability and opportunities. You are insanely wealthy and could have any woman you wanted. Pretty humdrum, huh?

Also, for you idiots that want to drink, get high and then drive, take a little of your pocket cash and hire a limo. You bought a grand in coke and hundreds in drinks, yet you couldn’t consider forking out a couple bills to get home safely. Jesus, toss a fiver at a Disney Channel kid and have them drag you home in their mom’s van.

Best regards,

Sun-Dried Eyes

Innocent people are being hit by coked-out celebrities in SUVs and shot by athlete’s ghetto-ass entourages. We have athletes killing, raping and beating their wives. We have rick folk from sixteen to twenty-eight so numb and disillusioned that they hurt everyone around them and know not what they do.

What makes me saddest is that America is so forgiving. We will eventually forget about the crimes, the dead, and the drugs. Next time we see them they will be in the midst of their triumphant comeback, with millions in advertising flaunting their shining exterior, this wonderfully reborn human.

So this next letter is for America.

Dear General Consumer,

Perhaps you have been lulled into a post-buffet like coma, watching the pretty flat screen and tucking all of the bullshit it feeds you in your cheek to wash down later with cherry cola. But wake up and pay attention.

They are insulting you.

I’m no celebrity, but let’s just say that I am. What if, just today, I spend my session in congress vilifying gays and prostitutes, then hit the strip and pick up a 6'5'’ he/she, run over to my homey’s house, help him kill a couple naughty puppies, drink three 40oz beers, do a bump or three of candy, hops in my ride and hit a few clubs, a few pedestrians, and then end up at the strip club where I make it rain for an hour, leave, send my homey back to the club to shoot some people over drama, yell some anti-Semitic slurs at the cops, go home and sleep with a fifteen year old girl and the he/she, and finally pass out in front of my still-awake three year old and infant?

Perhaps I should go to rehab, you know, for my gay/racist behavior, spend eighty-two minutes in jail, hide out under the radar for three years and eventually return to the silver screen a triumphant actor and voice-over king of forgettable CGI characters.

Would you remember my sins when it came time to watch a movie? Would you help make me successful again? Would you spit in the faces of those I have hurt and buy my new album?

Stop forgiving them just because it didn’t involve you directly. You are feeding into a machine that produces and nurtures this kind of behavior. Force bad congressmen to resign. Stop seeing movies with lunatics and ex-cons. Don’t by the albums, or even download the songs, of pedophiles and murderers.

Most importantly, stop being had by the spin doctors and hype machines that tell you it is okay to love these people again. These talking heads are only doing it for the money. Your money, in fact, as you spend hard-earned cash to keep the rich richer and the high higher. They don’t care about you. They laugh at your stupidity. Have you ever heard the expression “The audience is stupid”? They mean you, not the guy next to you. You.

I’m sorry to be so harsh, consumer, but it is forgetful audiences like you that perpetuate the lifestyle and let news outlets drown out real woes for celebrity retardedness. We are in a war. People are starving. So to you, just as I said to the rich folk, what the fuck are you doing?

Love,

Sun-Dried Eyes


In summary, there are hundreds of great actors, singers and performers in the world. Support them by not supporting the grime that infests their only chances to shine. Install a ‘one strike and out’ consumption policy and consider it a public service. It is time we take back the media. Read between the lines.