Sun-Dried Eyes

If You're Lazy And You Know It...

What is it to work as hard as possible for that which you truly want the most? Most of us never know because most of us never try that hard. Now don't get me wrong, I've tried to achieve an assortment of tasks, goals and pleasures. I even accomplished a few. But these were not daunting milestones, no, those fell into my lap. These were projects that required my charm, talent, and a flare for the rational, but not one ounce of true, hard work. I have never worked a hard day in my life. I have helped build a house, run a hotel, cooked, baked, served, peddled films and jeans, decorated, designed, acted, directed, concierged, footballed, and sold. Oh, how I have sold. But being even this accomplished (restless) does not necessarily dictate my character. I have never prepared for anything. I never learned something so much as to be great at it. I have never examined a subject and then dissected and explored its inner workings for an informed assailment to complete my thesis. I don't even know what I just said.

Everything that I know I learned because I liked it. It has crossed my mind that maybe I just haven't been exposed to much, but as far as I'm concerned, I've been overexposed and then put back under the lamp. Its just that nothing sticks. All of this began occurring to me in college when I quickly realized that I didn't have the slightest idea how to study. I glided through high school on Cs, blow-off classes and a winning personality. If I had a test, I would open the book the night before and stare into it for about six minutes or until my eyes crossed, and then I'd wonder where to begin. Within five minutes of that I'd be playing video games or making lewd insinuations to the giggling voice at the other end of the phone. But in college I found that you didn't work during the classes, you just listened to a toupe-d whoopee cushion drone on for two hours and then went home and worked. This was a slack-ass proof system. My endless nights of boozing and debauchery proved unable to penetrate and sustain life in the walls of that collegiate institution.

I don't blame my parents for not pushing me enough; there is quite little else a single mother can do when faced with a forty-hour work load and a husband on the other side of the world. The problem is, and was, myself. I have no work ethic and have never really had one. I go to work now and bust my butt there. Long hours and longer weeks spent working continuously. But its just the motions, and I'm going through them like Tic-Tacs. What I am seeing now is that its the things I have passion for that I need to focus on. I'm not going to quit work and move to New York, rent a small hole and starve until I act. I'm starting small. For instance, I am gaining some semblance of discipline the more I play my guitar. Why am I playing it? Because I want to. I don't make money, just music, therefore I have no reservations about pace and product. And I think about playing constantly, which is helping me stay focused. From this feat alone, I have mustered the ardor to better watch my cash, choose salads, turn the TV off and keep writing and reading. You'd be surprised how much of your identity gets lost when you're in the daily grind.

Now, a lot of you reading this probably think this is elementary stuff. Good, great, fuck off. Don't forget the flaws you've buried deep beneath your accomplished facade. You are the wankers that can't relate to cult comedy and have trouble holding even trite conversations whilst remain interesting. Allah blessed you with all of the brains and none of the splendor. But I digress. You have finished or are completing school. You have degrees, career goals, and the gumption to earn them. Good for you. Be happy and never look at it as a burden. Continue your path to mediocrity but always understand that there are a great many people who may not share your knack for math and science, but through person attractions find the beacon that draws their calling to shore.

Yes, perhaps there is a greater purpose for me out there. I just hope I hear it considering my video games are too loud and I ignore calls while making lewd insinuations to my girlfriend.