Zen and the Art of the Threesome

Zen and the Art of the Threesome

For Chance, because I worry.

Some people are naturally outgoing. Exhibitionist. Swingers. Porn stars. But the average person is reduced to only ever fantasizing these possibilities, sometimes with the aid of the aforementioned, and not ever actually live the experience. In the event that this opportunity arises I have collected and collated rules that will help enhance the experience as well as lay the groundwork for future reprisals. Even players in the Superbowl need coaching.

Threesomes have an invisible energy that you keep afloat by sharing freely and evenly. All persons should be down for the fun, and all should be ready to play, share and watch.

Before you jump in, keep in mind that you may have to look at these people again. The chance of happening upon two strangers that will simultaneously blow your mind is slim-to-none, and Slim just fell off a cliff. Many exciting excursions of this magnitude result in lost acquaintances, friendships and even loves. It always starts as a harmless impulse, with cheeky reminders at midnight and teddy-bear inhibitions at the thought. But when it comes to go time, did you iron out all important issue between you and the group? Did you discuss anything before you downed a case of Milwaukee's Best and forced a bottle of Boone's Farm on the two chicks you met at work? No, you didn't. So read up, follow the rules, and go down in history as the first effective poly-poon pleaser. Actually, second pleaser in history... after me.

The Rules

Rule 1: Relax. No, seriously, take a deep breath. The less pressure you feel, the less you'll fuck it all up. You don't have to act like this is all natural and that you are an orgy specialist, but you also shouldn't over-worry nor over-excite because it is all unnecessary by the time your there and you will still be a stud, Stud. Consider this...

A young bull and an old bull stand at the top of a hill that overlooks a farm. On this farm are twenty beautiful cows. The young bull looks excitedly at the farm and says to the old bull, "Let's run down there and fuck one!" The old bull takes a deep sigh and says, "Let's walk down there and fuck 'em all."

Rule 2: No loved ones. (* If you can not adhere to this based on previously committed actions or vows, then move on to Rule 3. Just make sure you adhere to the Rule 2 Loophole.) Lovers, girl/boyfriends, spouses, and all other people that we screw regularly, just get in the way. And I don't mean them specifically. The bond that you share with someone holding that capacity in your life is in for a massive shock when its introduced to an "open sex" experience. We are all jealous by nature. In your haste, Flash Dickspeed, do not forget to imagine the image of your partner having sex with someone else besides you, because they are going to actually see it and deal with the memory for the rest of their life. If you can avoid the innate thunderstorm of jealousy and fear that follows, do so by fulfilling this fantasy with friends and strangers.

Rule 3: No home field advantage. It is always wise to use a neutral playing field. Hotels are the greatest tool you could utilize for this event. They are cheap, anonymous, and sterilized... mostly. You can choose anything from a hot tub to a king-size heart-shaped bed. But more importantly, in the event of a bad trip, you don't want to have to look at your bed and sheets and be constantly reminded of the weirdness. If anyone is to have the advantage it should be the person who knows everyone the least.

Rule 4: Girl(s) rule the fantasy. Threesomes are like traffic: For the best ride, fit and flow. Women have a great gage for the mood necessary to have the most exciting time. Trust her instinct and follow her lead. Don't try to create your own fantasy because it's already happening. And please don't even attempt to utilize the phony shit that happens in porn. Porn is pro wrestling on beds. The characters are larger than life and talk to each other in ways no real person ever should. Just because two people want to have sex with you simultaneously doesn't mean that you are above treating them with the same respect and graciousness you would were you just playing a game of Parcheesi.

If the girl(s) want you to be cocky and condescending, be it. If the girl(s) want euphoric sweetness, provide comparable reciprocation. Understand that, mentally, this is much more difficult for women. The just don't separate love and sex the way that men do. Therefore, the more control the girl(s) has/have, the better things will be during and after.

Rule 5: Sharing is caring. Spread the love evenly. If you lick one, lick the other. If you suck one, suck the other. Anything anal should be shared too, just spray it down before passing it on. Keep in mind that this point is specifically designed to help you not only pull off actually pleasing them, but give you some fabulous word-of-mouth advertising. Because, after all, we want them to tell their friends. Or bring their friends. If for some reason this turns into a full-time business, consider coupons.

The only physical actions that this rule does not expect you to share are those agreed upon previously or if you are adhering to the Rule 2 Loophole. Otherwise, don't just give one facial. Give two.

And now...

The Rule 2 Loophole

So, you've gone and got yourself emotional involved before experiencing your first mnage trios? Sucker. Here are the tips that can help you lubricate your transition from a successful relationship to a successful relationship with "a secret".

A. ALL attention goes to your female loved one. This is not you and your partner fucking someone, this is you and someone fucking your partner. Unless her fantasy is to be a voyeur, sit back and enjoy what actually happens when girls go wild. And when your time comes, always touch your female partner first and last.

(This rule helps cut out all the hacks that are trying to 'legally' get some side pussy. They are the lowest form of puke. If they can't be satisfied within the relationship they are in, they shouldn't punish their partner for it. Threesome are for those genuinely curious and sharing.)

B. Set ground rules. And I mean rules that aren't just your partners saying "Okay, sure. Whatever you'd like, honey." Rules that create boundaries. I'm definitely not saying to plan the whole thing out. No planning needed at all, just set limits. Maybe even offer a safety word or touch. If she wants to see you do everything to the other girl except penetrate her, you need to know that walking in. Otherwise you will be walking out alone.

C. Hotel room, hotel room, hotel room. 'Nuff said.

D. Talk about it afterward. When it comes to couples, communication is the number one rule for relationships, so it should automatically carry over to the love life. You don't have to relive the night, just find how each other feels about it.

To help soothe any questionable feelings, describe how sexy your partner looked while they were in the moment. Tell them what part of the night was best and explain how it made you feel when you saw them doing whatever. BUT only talk of your partner and their actions. Don't bring up how great the other person was because that wasn't the point of the exercise . That third person was just a new toy to play with and leave, not a snap-on adapter for your partner. Everything you talk about should pertain directly to your partners beauty and enchanting glow before, during and after the event. If couples high-five afterward. The rest struggle to find balance and serenity for weeks.

Enjoy. Soon you should be on your way to a wicked hot night and a drama-less life afterward.