Mainstream American music is a tattered teddy bear being sodomized
Mainstream American music is a tattered teddy bear being sodomized by a retarded orangutan. Due to the teddy bear's inability to move itself from the path of danger, the process will continue until someone moves it. Either that or the orangutan will take five to eat bugs and fling poo. But even then it'll be back around soon.
Music today is void of any originality at all. The same three bar chords are arranged in a slightly different manner and played as backdrop to "I'm angry at my mom" as opposed to "I want to do your mom". New Country (and I stress New, i.e. post 1987), New R&B (post 1993), Rap (post 1997) and Modern/Alternative Rock (post 2000) have all been purchased by Satan, sold to the advertising phallus, reissued with scratch-n-sniff groupie stickers, and drilled deep into our skulls with limitless air play that is not due to it's popularity, but do to the depth of the pockets pushing it. Remember kids, just because a pop singer is on your TV, radio, lunch box, cereal box, ringtone, and favorite sitcom as a guest star, doesn't mean they have talent or that the music is good.
As a consumer in these fine United States, I consume many things fed to me by the Man's ad cronies. I mean, don't you want to know when the newest, most improved anything is available? I think they should make it right the first time. It's unavoidable, however, so we man up and buy the products we remember. But there are those of us who seek the product that actually work, regardless of how catchy the commercial. You may consider me a heretic to commercialism, but I think any human being who has ever heard a non-radio cut from Bright Eyes, Fiona Apple, Gnarls Barkley, Minus The Bear, Down, Blue October, Gemma Hayes, Trey Songz, Joe Firstman, Motion City Soundtrack, Patty Griffin, Death Cab For Cutie, The Shins, The Used, or Wilco knows that the blood of true music still flows, it's just difficult for the average consumer to find the vein.
All this is mere tripe to my biggest beef: Cover Songs. They are out of control. It seems as though the retro idealism has finally reared its true ugliness, and it's in the form of hundreds of unoriginal fucks making money from somebody else's musical legacy. All genres, all decades, and all... okay, 99%, are horrible. Don't get me wrong, I love covers. When I'm at a concert, I want to hear two or three live cover songs from my favorite artist. Or, when a legend like Cash makes a disc like Cash, and it's the most bad-assed covers album ever, I cream for the day it's in my sweaty palms. Annie Lennox barely pulled it off with Medusa, but even that is pushing the envelope labeled 'Good Taste'. It's not easy, but it is possible.
So as not to come off as merely a complainer, I have developed a list of rules that the FCC should install immediately in order to preserve our rich musical heritage (it's not like the FCC does anything good anyway. This could only improve their image). These rules are not meant to oppress nor were they established to segregate. They merely increase the price of artist property rights from purchasable to obtainable. Meet these simple requirements and you are on your way to murdering any song that Michael Bolton hasn't yet.
1. A song must be at least ten years old to be covered. This rule is almost exclusively in response to the instant regurgitation from R&B radio directly into Country radio. Oh, and that song that Leeann Rimes and Trisha Yearwood put out within months of each other; that breaks all the rules. If you are going to cover a song, make sure it's a song that's not still fresh in the minds of your audience. If you are an All-4-one or Brian McKnight, keep your shit under lock and key. Choose something from another era and make it your own. Or choose something obscure and rock it on the radio. Do not take something written three years ago by a band you "want to pay tribute to". Thats want concert covers are for.
2. You must have at least three previously released LPs. Two EPs will make up for one LP. This rule is in place to save your reputation. Nobody cuts a cover off as their first single and lives to tell about it: the aforementioned Leeann Rimes, Tiffany, Alien Ant Farm, etc. Try showing off your talent for creating music right out of the gate. The worst thing that could happen is that you showed the world your soul but failed to do so interestingly. It still makes you a true artist, though, and that is something to wear with pride.
(I considered including the clause, "with one Billboard Top 100 song per two albums," but the charts are just as skewed and easily purchased.)
3. The covered song must be from a different genre that your own. An R&B artist can't redo an R&B song that much differently than how it was originally done. There is not much room for musical movement, which makes it sound the same as the original, which ultimately defeats the purpose of remaking it. But a Modern Rock artist has a different path to take that same R&B song, with new rhythm and instruments to pave the way. Country and Soft Rock have always smoothly transitioned from R&B, but there is so much more to be done. The only song I grant clemency to is The Gourds rendition of "Gin and Juice". It is both brilliant and a trailblazer.
It's everywhere, I know this; movies are being remade, television shows are be reestablished. But consider this thought: why would you try to remake something that was already done well once? Try taking something that wasn't done successfully - a B-side song, a flopped movie - and make it better! Your margin of error increases dramatically, and if a fan has not heard or seen this obscure piece before, than you pay more tribute to the artist through discovery and recognition by new fans than by slaughtering their legacy with a piss poor attempt at the same great fame.
In the meantime, help keep American music good by controlling your cover usage. Only you can prevent yourself from ruining a masterpiece.
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