Sun-Dried Eyes

The Shocker: Fallacies and Repetitive Motion Injury

For the last five years there has been a sexual craze sweeping the youth of the nation, much like armband tattoos and pink male polo shirts, only more humiliating and painful. Week after week, I see guys of all ages speaking of the "The Shocker" and displaying it with a great pride in their knowledge, and each time I grow more despondent in relation with this decade's contribution to the sexual revolution. You see, reader, I was one of the pioneers of this movement in the mid- to late nineties. I created, defined and successfully executed my own patented move that I had also deemed "The Shocker", but alas, somewhere on the bridge between my bedroom and the worldwide fad machine it was lost. Now, all that we have been left with is an affable fraternity brother nickname and the promise that women will enjoy this gnarled digit move as much or less than a mammogram.

Allow me to begin by explaining what this current phase actually entails. To form the current incarnation of the Shocker, you would lay your hand out flat and vertical, as if you wanted to shake someone's hand. Then you bend your ring finger down toward your palm and secure it against the palm with your thumb. You would move this monstrosity toward the ladies two-in-one crevasse; first place the pinky finger in her anus and finish by depositing the top two combination in her vagina. This, the egotistical and ill-fated male brain thinks, will bring her pleasure. Yes, because anything poorly thought out and perpetuated by college boys must be pleasurable, naturally.

Now I shall systematically destroy the myth of the Shocker as you know it, but I will not leave you without a Friday night signature move. No, no, reader, I will bring you a solution from the deep, mysterious vaults of the Turner Sutra. This wisdom is based on hundreds of years of knowledge and has been translated, nay, channeled through my body and placed safely into my Vault of Copula, where it shall remain until the world is ready. All I ask in return is that you please keep this knowledge in your heart and do not allow it to seep into the trendy fabric of commercialism that so often soaks up tiny bits of truth such as this, rips them free of earnestness and tosses them aside for the next fortune cookie wisdom to be consumed.

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In performing this Shocker I have described above, you will notice two things. 1. It is more awkward and strenuous than bathtub shower sex, and 2. It is not pleasurable at all. Here is my reasoning:

Bad Architecture - The framework is poor. If she took off quickly to the right, she could break three of your fingers and potentially steal your class or secret-decoder ring.

Lack of Agility - This position does not allow for the dexterity necessary for create quality sensations. Unbeknownst to your precious Maxim, she feels with all 360 degrees of her chocha.

Boring - Where is the shock? The penetration might feel powerful, but she could recreate this sensation with results tenfold by purchasing the Rabbit or Dolphin vibrators, which incidentally would be cheaper than hanging out with your bitch ass.

How can we change this, you ask? By tuning up the weaknesses and attempting something both effective and ergonomic. From deep inside the Vault of Copula, a family member in the artistic, sexual styling known as Tongue-Foo, I give you... er, I introduce to you, The Shocker!

Hold your hand out flat as if your where asking your bitch for money while simultaneously giving her a place to put it. Bend your ring finger and pinky finger toward your palm. Secure them both with the base of your thumb, i.e. the bottom right part of your palm itself. As it secures, your thumb should naturally stick out forward just above and between the index and middle fingers. Looking directly at your fingertips, a la Three Stooges eye poking, the product should resemble the plugging end of an electrical cord, as your fingers are the prongs and your thumb is the grounder. This can be a wonderfully successful move based on one vital need: her button and your finger need to be properly lubricated. Now you have the pose and can understand where part of the name stems from. But to understand the rest you must take position.

Nothing done in front of your lover's eyes could be as truly shocking as what could be done as she lays on her stomach or on her side, facing away from you. Therein lies the shock. Here are two possible setups:

You are nudely spooning with your lady love, pre-sex, and she is grinding the sweet grindings of love against your manhood. As you are caressing her, you walk your fingers down to pink pages. Excitement should lubricate the front, so all you need to do is spit on your thumb, rub some saliva on the button, and then "plug in".

As things have progressed, you find yourself orally satisfying your companion. If she is on her back you need to roll her over, but do so gently. As soon as she is on her stomach, start tonguing her starfish so as to accrue the necessary amount of lubrication. After sufficient plunging of the tongue, put your thumb on the button and "plug in".

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By opening the door to the Vault of Copula, and sharing with you the secrets of the Tongue-Foo, I have given you an insight that places you eons ahead of your nearest sexual rival. And there is so much more to be understood. Carry this knowledge forth, placing it safely in the same pocket as your prophylactic, and DO NOT, under any circumstances, share this knowledge with anyone whom you wouldn't let plow your sister. Enjoy!